Ego, the Ultimate Chess Game

From the film Revolver, a really great film about the Ego, and who is really in control. The Ego, "the opponent' as it is called in Kabbalah (This film was by Guy Ritchie, who is very active in Kabbalah), is the true master of most, and the elegance of the whole charade is that we don't even know it. The only way to master the Ego is to understand it as separate, to learn to make the distinction when it lies to you inside your own head and know that you are not those thoughts. You have the ability to not honor what it says. Often, doing what is uncomfortable is the way to free oneself from the slavery of the Ego- it never wants to be uncomfortable.

 

Watch this. If you haven't seen Revolver, I highly recommend it.

 

Ego, the Ultimate Chess Game

 

 

The Ego Introduces Itself to Jake- Jake Versus Ego

This scene is one of the most intense I have ever scene. For anyone who understands that without making this distinction, this scene will have a great impact.

 

 

 

 the end of that scene, too, is brilliant. This character of Ray Liotta,  which epitomizes all our manufactured reality, all that we project as having value that intrinsically doesn't, crumbles in the face of Jake's new found state of grace.

 

 

Balance

Today I got in my car like I have every day for the past three years, wishing my speaker on the left driver door worked, lamenting the lack of balance in my musical experience. I am one of those who listens to their music maybe a tad louder than I should when driving- rendering the imbalance impossible to ignore. So, like many things in life one can't fix, but also can't ignore, one learns to live with it. I learned to live with it.

I wonder how many things we learn to live with, that we become accustomed to in ways that diminish our awareness. I recall talking to someone about learning to live in dysfunction. I likened it to a place I worked at several years ago- it was so incredibly dysfunctional (it was the fashion design business) that, as I cut my teeth and moved up the ladder to become an executive, I learned it in a dysfunctional way. I did really well, and made more money than I ever made since- but after I left that company, I didn't realize how I had acclimated to the dysfunction- I knew how to work inside of that, but in a fully functioning company with certain widely accepted standards of practice- I had to struggle.

Or- I recall once when my 12 string guitar went out of tune- I had no idea how to tune it. So I made up some really great songs while it was in its out-of-tune-but-dissonant-in- a-cool-way state, ones that I can still hear in my head today, but can't for the life of me duplicate. Because when the guitar was tuned, the songs were gone. They relied on its state of dysfunction to exist.

How often have I done that, I wonder? How often have you? Its probably an age old dilemma, but I like to untangle a knot that binds me to any outdated concept, and this is no exception.

Back to today, my car, the speakers. I often adjust the bass in my music because too much bass makes the passenger side speakers shake, being the ones from which the majority of the sound comes out- the left ones work, but just barely. I was scrolling through the adjustment settings when I decided to try one I somehow had not noticed in the three years I have owned my car. One that said 'balance'. Suddenly, there was equal music coming from both sides of my car and I was sitting suddenly in a surround sound vehicle, and I discovered I actually have an amazing sound system in my car. I had no idea!!

And life is like that. The solution to a dilemma is often right in front of our faces but we just somehow don't see it. Attention and awareness requires that we slow down, and sometimes follow a hunch, or try something we never have before. Or stop and realize that we might not be seeing something that is within reach. If I did that with every dilemma, just trusted that the solution was close at hand and I should just pause and pay attention, I have a feeling some parts of my life would go a bit more smoothly.

The Zombie Apocalypse is Already Upon Us

Vulnerability.  There may be no other word that makes modern people cringe more. Somehow, this one word and all that it entails sends us running for the hills, both literally and metaphorically. Is our collective recoil at the idea of being vulnerable a natural state, or is it a flaw of some sort, a defect in our programming?

Or, more to the point,  the flaw IS the natural state of human beings. We are flawed. Its how we deal with the flaws that define our personal evolution.  I am reminded of the movie Cinderella Man,  a true story about a boxer (James Braddock) who was down on his luck. He was off his game, losing fights and wasn’t able to care for his family. Then he broke his right arm and he couldn’t fight at all, and went to work in an ice factory, grabbing hunks of ice with his good left arm and hauling them on to trucks. After a while, he got back in the ring, only to discover that due to his injury and having to use only his left arm, he had become a very strong boxer, much stronger than before as he now had his left hook backing him up, as strong as his right jab ever was. His defect put him in a place where he was able to emerge stronger. He didn’t foresee this- at the time, he was mired in defeat. He was down and he didn’t see any way up and out of it, not knowing that his salvation was being exercised even as he despaired.

So here we are in vulnerability. It keeps us from being able to get into the ring, or if we do get in the ring, it keeps us from being able to be present in a way that would create a fulfilling scenario. What do we do? What most of us do is shrink, hide, run, judge others for our own shortcomings, get angry, blame, become promiscuous instead of connected- and not just romantically- on all levels- we refuse to commit to so much of life that requires commitment. We are rootless. Lacking purpose.  And what don’t we do, for the most part? Show up, take risks, allow ourselves to feel or be exposed, possess a willingness to make mistakes and own them, to care, out loud and in public for all to see…  just to name a few examples.

Brene Brown says her research shows that most people equate vulnerability with weakness. And yet, the truth of the matter is that its actually the very definition of courage. Some things that make us feel vulnerable- saying “I love you” first, asking for a raise, saying no to our kids, saying no period, asking someone on a date, speaking in public….all of these things that make a person feel vulnerable are the most powerful moments in our lives, they are moments that define who we are. These are not moments that call for weakness…these moments call for strength. These call for risks- risking being exposed, rejected, denied, failing, risk of succeeding, risk of losing- “We buy into the myth of vulnerability as being a weakness because by doing so we give ourselves permission not to do it,” says Brene Brown in her conversation with Krista Tippett on the podcast On Being. “Try to remember the last time you did something brave, or saw someone do something brave.” Something is always at risk in any scenario one can consider.

That got me to thinking about heroes. In reality, a hero is someone who risks something big to help someone else. If vulnerability is opening yourself up to life, in all its glory and pain, to the extent that you might just get hurt, or even die- then those we unilaterally consider to be heroes – those who risk their lives to save others- are practicing the penultimate vulnerability. Having said that, any time we show up in our daily lives, stripped down and available to what life brings us, willing to be exposed, to fail, to be wrong, to be right, to win, to be real, to be open to whatever may come instead of avoiding the discomfort- at those times, we are also heroes. Life is either a Hero’s Journey, or its not. I find those people who are asking the hard questions and getting in the ring again and again after being beaten badly are capable of the most intense happiness. Its as if the struggles and the quest for understanding carve a deep reservoir into a person, and the deeper the reservoir, the more capacity for joy there is. In an emotionally promiscuous life, where no commitments are made and vulnerability is avoided, a person can only scratch the surface, at best. There is no capacity for deep and abiding joy, only fleeting distractions and drudgery. And there are plenty of people like that- too many, more and more all the time.



Like I saw on Project Appleseed Rifleman Training‘s podcast last night- the zombie apocalypse is already happening. Just peruse facebook for an hour!  The zombies avoid commitment, vulnerability, pain, growth, depth, true connection. They can’t focus, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. And guess what? They want you to be a zombie, too. Anyone who is fighting the good fight reminds them that their existence is a shallow, half hearted one. And its easier to bring a person down a peg than to bring them up a peg, so we must always be wary of the dreamers who want to lure the wakers back to sleep.

Waking up to your true self is never easy, and it isn’t supposed to be. Like the baby chick fighting to get out of its eggshell- the struggle for the chick is critical for its survival. It was discovered that when someone helped break the chick out, the baby soon died, not having developed the muscle strength it needed by the very act of breaking out of its shell. Vulnerability is the place of courage that builds the muscles of a wholehearted human being. Do it. You might get hurt, you might look dumb, you might get rejected, you could fail- but then again, you might not. That can’t be why you do the thing, or why you don’t do it- you do the act, whatever it is, because it must be done. Life is meant to be lived fully, wide open, out loud, and most of all, unapologetically.

SIGNS

---

 

I write often about the element of play, and the importance of keeping the spirit of rambunctiousness as an integral part of recovery.

I continue to write about it primarily because it remains so pivotal, and yet easily lost in the seriousness of sobriety. And sobriety aside, life is challenging no matter what else you might have going on.

Like any challenge, the experience one has is based on the spirit of the the endeavor. It’s fairly textbook, and we all know this: You can look at a mountain and say, “I have to climb that?” Or you can look at the mountain and say, “I get to climb that!” We all know this; most people in recovery will espouse this, but when it comes to living, breathing, being an example of this doctrine, we all find life grabbing us by the short and curlies at times. We get emotionally hijacked. We feel victimized by circumstances beyond our control. And that whole mantra and way of being we all aspire to goes directly out the window.

It happens. We are human, after all; what we do is err. But we get to learn from our erring ways, and hopefully we do. Recently I found myself clenching my emotional fists, for weeks, I was white knuckling it. My mind was curled into a tight ball and very little light was getting in. One gets used to this posture, and, like our Moms used to tell us when we crossed our eyes and made faces, “If you aren’t careful, your face will freeze and stay like that!” Sometimes, so does that attitude.

Thankfully we have the option of getting out of it before we become frozen and narrow minded, but we still need to be mindful. We become brittle and frozen when we do not exercise our emotional flexibility. Playfulness is exactly the thing that keeps us supple and vibrant.

As I said, I had a couple of weeks recently where my life circumstances had changed, and my schedule became more hectic, including the addition of two hours of driving to my already busy day. I had discovered I owed the IRS a huge amount of money. I had a list of grievances. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was … crunchy. And then I saw a sign. Literally.

I was driving to work after dropping my daughter off at school, still getting used to the new routine, when I whipped by one of the many construction signs that one can’t miss, as construction in Los Angeles is happening everywhere all the time, and always on the route you most want to go. It’s absurd, really.

This sign, however, said, “World Peace.” Then it said, “Make people laugh.” Then it switched to, “One smile at a time.” Finally it read, “Also, construction.”

I couldn’t really believe it the first time I saw it. I was driving and there was no one to turn to and say, “Hey! Did you see that?” But even so, it had an immediate effect. My outlook changed. It became lighter, because someone had taken the spirit of playfulness to another level, and because I needed a sign and I got one. I was infected by it.
All it took was a little boost, and I got my bounce back. I don’t ever want to go flat, lose my humor, and value victimhood over freedom. All bondage is of our own creation. It’s just how we see it.

I love that someone changed the sign to read something fun and thoughtful. Its the spirit of the person who did that which infected me more than the sign itself — that someone found it important enough to stop and play with all the people who would drive by that sign and see it — honoring that impulse, as it were- is what really inspires me.

How liberating is that? To step outside of the demands of life and just goof around with others? How much fun must that have been for that person?

And lest I forget, my Higher Power will make sure to remind me, and I love that. I count on it, and I am never let down.

Karl Jung- On Addiction

Stand Up, Speak Out!: Marianne Williamson at TEDxTraverseCity

Your life, dancing in the sunlight. Dust.

 

Life is a snake dance, shedding feathers of urge and keen scales of loss, shedding and, once free, free as it once was, as a baby snake is, free of old skin born anew, reborn, renewed, a new thing resembling everything, like you.

 


When I say you — you could be anybody, and you are. Your amazing eyes take 
in the shape of these letters, each symbol, the sound, how 
they connect to others, grasps even (oh, the miracle of
it all) how they unite into words which stand for things, connect together, form
 thoughts, and you think you’re just reading, with all this going on behind 
it all, making it happen, and you don’t stop to consider this miracle.
 Stop. Think about these things. The heart keeps beating, (until it 
doesn’t) and you don’t tell it to. It knows that you are meant to live, 
maybe even more than you do. Tirelessly all of these miracles keep being
 miraculous and you don’t stop to think, and it is never mad that you don’t 
notice, it doesn’t need you to; its joy is inside itself, the joy that you 
sometimes remember.  If only you knew, all the time, you are a beautiful 
thing. You, baby that you are, shedding skin that forms around the fruit of 
your life, scales of time and heartbreak shattered and dancing in the 
sunlight with crushed spider legs and dust.  

 

…your life, dancing in the
sunlight. Dust.

 



Could anything ever be more perfect than this?
 
This now, this you. A gift you are constantly unwrapping. Do I know you?
 You, who are reading this now, are you a friend of mine? An 
ex or future lover?  A stranger who breathes the same air as me, the 
same as Edgar Allen Poe or Geronimo or Rumi, inhaling and exhaling 
the fabric of this world you and I can never understand? Who are you? A 
child of God is who, living in the miracle of now, even if you don’t see 
it. It sees you, and it knows you. I know you. We are cut from the same 
cloth, warp and weft, stars in the same sky. How could I not love you?
 Whoever you are, I do.


 


The ocean caresses the sand into a tiny wholeness; it knows each grain to 
be a loving thing with the fierceness of a mother. The light, as it filters 
through the wings of your hair, is full of information that your eye will 
know and your heart will trust but your mind will turn away. In the house of 
the mind a hoarder lives, a dark collector that keeps every little thing.
There is nothing that is simply what it is. All things have a history 
attached. All things have names. If you let go you maybe won’t be you, 
dreamer of dreams, for God’s sake keep everything you think you know you are, who 
would you be if you let it go all go let go, I’d like to know and anyway I
 do, it’s written all over your face, this beautiful baby that loves things,
mercilessly, mirthfully, and does not see anything that it is not, is 
everything it sees and everything it doesn’t.

 



You are a symbol, a letter in an ancient alphabet, a secret code embedded 
in a moment of waking. The Mystery is in the corner of your mouth, a tiny 
acorn when you smile, a thing that everyone wants: the smile, the mystery, 
the promise of a great oak. Everyone knows you are the bright star flashing 
across the sky, and they make a wish as you pass. They know.


 


They know that even now, all time is pressed into one thing which bears the
 shape of a child’s laugh, the happy snake eating its own self, the gold 
ring never beginning, never ending. Here it is, where it always has been,
 and it’s yours. Don’t turn away. Don’t run after false things. Wake up from 
this dream; you are not alone. Alone is not real, only the opposite of 
alone is real. Wake up. Don’t fall in love with dreams.

 Sometimes someone dreams of losing things, something is gone that was there 
and without it someone is not someone anymore but a diminished thing, 
reduced by sadness, distorted by longing. In this dream, the shadows run
 alongside the sun and sing sadly, sad that the sun won’t touch them, 
lurking at the edge of the kiss that can’t reach them- the promise of the 
acorn, the mystery of you- the shadow is not you, the dream is not you. Do 
you know that? The shadow is not you. You are the sun.

 



I know the sun. I am the kiss I crave. This brings me joy in just that same 
way beauty makes me want to throw myself off a cliff, every time. It’s the
 pain of knowing it’s all God, and I am that — how can I tell you? What 
symbolsletterswordsthoughts could ever contain what that ecstasy is, the
 unbearable spasm of self remembering? How can I show the horse that the 
water is good to drink? But even more so, how will the horse know that it 
is the water?

 



It is good to beaten into submission, to be thrashed into a tiny grain of 
fiercely loving wholeness, to caress the edge of the sun where the shade
 sings. I submit to the ocean and its constant remembering.  I am a word, 
one word, the first letter, the point at which the pen meets the paper. I 
am not the pen. I am not the paper. I have not been written down.


 


I could keep writing and writing, except I couldn’t. Each word becomes as 
meaningless as a snake with no skin, as one tiny drop in the ever-loving ocean. It
 could be any word, any one word; they all mean the same thing, finally.
 Just as you could be anyone, you could be you or someone else, but there is 
only one Truth, and it’s always you. Wake up.

 


Could anything ever be more perfect than this?
….your life, dancing in the 
sunlight. Dust. 

I Have No Neutral Thoughts. Huh? Read on…

 

This morning I read my lesson for the day in Course In Miracles, which I highly suggest to anyone who is interested in taking their sobriety to another level. Today’s lesson was “I have no neutral thoughts.” I read it, was not impressed, and took a picture of the page so I could remember what it said later in the day, when my Ego conveniently allowed me to forget. I constantly have to outsmart my Ego, which was the mechanism of not being impressed upon reading of it. And there, right there, is the lesson, fully articulated- my not being impressed IS NOT a neutral thought. Inside of that blase impression of it was already a little bit of a judgment. There are some lessons I will read and think- “Oh, this is a GOOD one!” Even when I think that, it isn’t neutral.  NO matter what I think, inside, inhabiting that thought, is an already established foot hold of judgment- it is already either good or bad. It is never neutral.

So, you might say, what's the big deal? Well, I can’t claim to know, truly. The point of the lesson is to discover and to have a direct experience of it. What I am finding though is that the judgments that are already behind every thought are really more indicative of how my mind works than my actual thoughts are. I watch my thoughts all day long, like watching a train going by. Sometimes I jump on the train and am carried away, and sometimes I just watch in amazement. But even if I don’t jump on the train, there is the judgment, which is like the conductor, fueling the train with coal to make it go. My judgments are the coal, the fuel, without which the thoughts are obviously not going to get very far.

I’ve been very aware of the crazy train of my thoughts and that I have a choice about being swept away or not- its my choice, and that is a powerful thing and a huge part of my recovery. But only just now, today, did I really understand that it is my judgments that fuel the crazy train. I don’t know how to stop judging, yet. That is what the Course In Miracles is for- to teach us to understand ourselves and look at things we assume are automatic. It gives us the ability to master ourselves. I couldn’t really address the constant judging if I couldn’t see it because it was hiding behind my thoughts that I was busy not attaching myself to. But now that I know they are there, sneaky, hiding, I can now do something about them.

This morning, when I wasn’t impressed with today’s lesson, my intellect could have told you that whenever I am underwhelmed with something, that is sure to be the thing that will create a profound shift  for me. I was too tired to have this thought this morning, being before coffee, so my intellect wasn’t empowered to speak up and the Ego was louder. Whenever I cringe or refuse something or say no to something or decide that I absolutely do not like something- these are the very things that will track me down. I will literally be hunted by these things until I am able to see that I was wrong. My Ego is that knee jerk reaction telling me to avoid that thing of value, or to refuse to see it as valuable, to reject it as hum drum or blase’. Like this morning- “Oh, hmm, boring lesson today.” Ha! Take that, Ego! Foiled again!!!

Here is the other piece that I still need to figure out. Even GOOD judgments are judgments. By declaring something as good, better than other things, then I immediately judge all those other things as ‘less than’ the good thing. I don’t know how to work with this information yet, but I do know that in the realm of working on judgmental-ness, its counterintuitive to say -there is good judgmental-ness, and there is bad judgmental-ness. Somehow the goal is true neutrality, but I suspect the kind of neutrality where one really is in a state of choice about things, rather than programmed to hold things in a positive or negative light, automatically and without hesitation. It doesn’t mean being flat, it means being aware, it means allowing things to be just as they are, not forcing them to be good or bad as we may be programmed to behold it.

In many of my blogs here, I have stated that my goal is to not be a robot, to not live as I and society and my upbringing have programmed me to be. I want to be free, and organic and authentic. This is a process! But its the only thing worth doing, it really is NEXT LEVEL SOBRIETY. I believe there is abstinence from drugs and alcohol and living by principles, which is the recipe for a great life, and never ever to be knocked. But then there is the Next Level of sobriety, and that is what interests me most. This blog is me on my training wheels.  I am learning as I go, and I am happy to be in good company.

The Universe Is A Minimalist

 

One of the biggest themes of my addiction, towards the end, was profound isolation. Even in a room full of people, I could feel incredibly alone. I read recently that loneliness comes from feeling that you have nothing in common with anyone, so often that feeling is worse in groups, in public. I think that is part of what drove me to isolate- at least I had something in common with myself.

What it was like..

I recall waking up and reaching over for pills- I couldn’t leave the bed without them. The person who provided me with the pills would not put them there if he was angry with me, and on those days I would writhe in agony. He didn’t do that a lot, though, and I would take my pills (vicodin, narco, soma, xanax) and then look at the bleak day ahead of me. The best thing I could think to do was to find a movie on television; sometimes I would bid on stuff on ebay. At some point I had to get to the store for vodka- towards the end I didn’t eat much, and would drink when I felt hungry. Not to mention, I had kids to get to school and when they came home, they would run off and play with friends as I lay comatose on the couch. I had checked out of life completely, and would soon formulate a plan to check out entirely, although I clearly didn’t follow through, and that is another story. I was a zombie in the most literal sense of the word, and I felt like the only zombie in the world, no other fellow zombies to talk to. All the party buddies all end up in a room shaking by themselves. That party doesn’t last forever and never ends well for ones like me.
I recount this because I love to look at how it was, and what its like now.

What Its Like Now
Yesterday, at 15 days shy of my 5 year sober anniversary, I was killing time in South Pasadena while my daughter visited some friends. I had spent about an hour looking at old photographs and old issues of Mad Magazine in a vintage store, and then perusing books in a used bookstore- the kind that you don’t see much of anymore- scanning through volumes of poetry, and psychology books. It was a really peaceful way to spend an afternoon. I decided to buy a volume of Rumi, and a copy of Women Who Run With Wolves, which I always buy when I see it to give it away to friends. At the checkout counter (Which was really an old school desk where a girl hand writes the name of each volume and the price) I overheard an older woman talking about Kabbalah and the 23 volume Zohar, which I have. I saw the books she was reading, all of which were books I either had or wanted. I jumped into the conversation, I had to know this woman. I offered to help her carry the many books to her car and she asked me if I wanted to get tea. So we went to a lovely coffee shop situated by the metro tracks as the sun went down, and I got to hear her incredible story.

Apparently someone had gotten mad at her over a business transaction and had sent a letter about how she had hundreds of old European paintings and that she had bragged about being the grand-daughter of a Nazi warlord, and he suspected that her art collection was Nazi loot. This went to trial, almost to the Supreme Court, one of the first landmark cases of internet libel. To clear her name, she went looking into her genealogical background, and discovered that she was actually Jewish. Her family had come to the Free World and chose to pretend to be Christian Germans, to avoid prosecution and trouble. She had never known of this, and she continued her search, curious about what else might be revealed. She found that she came from a long line of rabbis, in fact. And going through those rabbis, she even came to discover that one of her ancestors was supposedly there when Moses came down with the Ten Commandments.

Being a spiritual person, she came to see this situation as incredibly significant. The libel trial caused much strife for all involved- people were fired from jobs, she had to sell her home and move back to the west coast. But what she was given in return was a connection to her ancestors, her family, her blood lineage. She looked at me as a metro train whisked by, as I drank my chai tea, as the sun was setting,  and said, “Moreover, I get to make amends for my family, for the fact that they hid their religion and faith to survive, I get to bring the truth to light and release them all. They can not have a portal in me without my knowing they are there, that they existed, that they are part of who I am.  And so I learned Hebrew, and I read the 23 volumes of the Zohar in its original form, in their honor.” She said, “The universe is a minimalist. It burns everything but what is essential away.”

This whole afternoon is obviously a far cry from five years ago. I was hardly able to leave my house, much less make a new friend. To me, that afternoon was a little adventure, full of old photographs from other people’s lives and memories, and wise words from Rumi, and the story of my new friend, the sunset, the clanging bells that alert that a train is coming…all of these took effect on me in such a subtle way, and yet profoundly so. Five years ago nothing subtle would have penetrated, would have ever registered with me. Things either had to have a numbing, zombifying  effect or be a wild roller-coaster-rock and roll-Hunter S Thompson freak out. But a gentle afternoon like this? Never would have happened.  Yet I wouldn’t trade this scenario for 50 nights of drunken debauchery.  And I get to walk away from that with such an elegant, eloquent phrase that will stay with me forever. “The Universe is a Minimalist, burning all but what is essential away.” If its here, its meant to be here, and if it goes, it was supposed to go. That phrase was a great gift, yet another gift that my sobriety has allowed me to be blessed with.

MY NAME IS LEGION (or, how does free will fit into recovery?)

What is free will?

This is an age old question, and one I am not equipped to answer. But I am prepared to establish a good inquiry, because I think about it a lot. And I have some ideas, but they are by no means conclusions. Its more of an ongoing dialogue, and one that interests me quite a bit.

In AA there is a lot of talk about God’s Will. My understanding has always sort of been that God’s Will was the basic unfolding of life, without me trying to force my schemes and plans and such onto it. This seems pretty clear, right? But what if I exercised none of my own will, and operated only by God’s Will. Would God’s Will get me out of bed? Would God’s Will get my kids to school? Please understand me here, I am not IN ANY WAY questioning the beauty and grace of God’s Will. I am just wondering how it works with Free Will, with my Will. How they work together, and how they don’t.

When I really give it some thought, it takes MY free will to do God’s Will. I have to freely succumb to the way life is unfolding, and it is my will that gives me the commitment to take on the next indicated action, my will that allows me to choose to pause when agitated, to recognize when my personality is trying to trump my principles. I read recently that, in steps 6 and 7, becoming entirely ready to have God remove our defects of character and to humbly remove our shortcomings, the point is that we have to ask. We become ready to have them removed because we finally understand, after a thorough inventory, what slaves we have been to the damn things. It has to be our free will that willingly asks for them to be removed. We have to want it. It was suggested that God can only work with our free will in that department- for our shortcomings to be lifted without our first asking would be sort of like a cosmic cheat. We have to be willing to let them go. WILLING. Without our willingness, none of it can happen. And WILLingness is our own Free Will in action, choosing the light over the darkness.

Free Will In Action

And at times our free will doesn’t choose the light. We all know this, it’s the basis of all religions and spiritual journeys. It’s the fundamental sticking point. It is what makes choosing the light such an diabolical  challenge, and also the single most relevant victory- because the dark can be so incredibly seductive and compelling. It knows our weak spots, maybe better than we do. My character defects are tools for the darkness- I get a feeling that my fears, my insecurities, my judgmental-ness or desire to be liked, my hanging on to old hurts and behaving from that wounded, entitled, place of long suffering victimhood will ultimately be my undoing, if left unchecked. Its all Ego, or Disease, or however you like to call it. And it only wants one thing- to dismantle me until I am a walking black hole, or six feet under-whichever comes first.

I don’t know with any certainty about any of it, I only know that I wonder about it. I can’t possibly know the mind of God. And I can only try to know my own mind, and to try to overcome my own errant and self serving belief systems enough to see the truth. Its not a pretty thing, to do the work of getting to know how our minds operate. In my experience of step 7, asking God to humbly remove my shortcomings was not an instantaneous thing- I didn’t just ask, and then they were plucked out of my being like stray hairs. For me, I am constantly given situations that bring my character defects into  the light, and if I do not examine them right then and there as they present themselves, then more of those situations will come until I understand the lesson, observe myself acting in the grip of said character defect, recognize it, and do something different. You have to be able to identify the broken part, to look at the damage, (Step 4 and 5) and then, at least for me, I have to see how they ‘work’ (or don’t) for me in my life-  broken parts create broken results.

And like a game of Whack a Mole, they keep popping up, as there are a multitude of them, trying to run the show. Like the chapter of St Mark in the bible, when there is a man who is known to be filled with unclean spirits, who no man could tame, no chains could bind, who spent all the time crying and cutting himself with stones- is that not like so many of us, in the depth of our despair? And he came to Christ, and Jesus asked of the man “What is your name?” And he said, “My name is Legion, for we are  many.” And so it is like that, we are possessed  with so many defects and agendas and belief systems and fears and desires and addictions that when we are able to master the addictions to some extent, there is still the Legion, and only the light of truth is able to bring us back to a whole and holy state.

Here is another challenge, and its extremely tricky- we are very, very attached to the Legion.  They have been ingrained in us, and we think they are intrinsic to who we are. What they do is rob us of the precious gift of Free Will. If we are behaving as puppets, reacting to external stimulus without thinking, just being ‘who we are’, then we are not in a state of choice. We are not practicing free will. We are just doing what we are programmed to do, like a microwave or a blender. We love our suffering and our chaos. We can’t live without our loneliness, our boredom, our dissatisfaction. We do things to create more suffering, more dissatisfaction- on autopilot, nonetheless. Autopilot! We don’t even know it. We just call it life. But there is so much more to it.

Steps 6 and 7 begin to really restore our free will to us. We get the opportunity to observe our actions and reactions, see what does not work, and choose something different. In that choosing, we are liberated from the slavery of our personal history, our robotic programming, our autopilot mode, our self sabotage. We have free will, and FREE is not an accidental designation; there IS freedom in it, there IS liberation in it. And that free will is free to choose to align itself with God’s Will. If it looks at all that is being offered, all the entire banquet of life with all its myriad choices, and chooses to act by principles in spite of the comforts the personality demands, then it has placed you squarely outside the prison walls, liberating you from the bondage of self. In that place, you can learn to trust that it is all unfolding just as it should and that there are no mistakes in God’s World. We pray for knowledge of God’s Will for us- that we will be guided and directed on our journey- And the power to carry that out- Our free will, used rightly, is that power. That is the ultimate freedom, more precious than any treasure. When you can walk in that truth is when you remember who you really are- “You are a child of the Universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here.”
You are a miracle.  You are a gift. Believe it.

Not Drowning, Surfing

 

I love how it happens when I am reading various spiritual books and I come across the same truths that we learn in AA. For instance, the concept of contrary action. This seems to be axiomatic in many schools of thought. Recently, in my Fourth Way group, we were all told to sit for 5 minutes every morning, upon waking. Not in a normal meditation kind of way, but upright, on a chair, back straight, feet on floor, hands one inside the other. Easy, right? Think again.

Of course its easy- its not like they asked me to bend spoons with my mind. In fact, the idea of its easiness is exactly what helps illustrate how unwilling most people are to do even the easiest of things.  I am using myself as an example. I know all about contrary action- I write about it a lot, and I practice it often. It is a lynchpin of my personal philosophy. However, when confronted with doing this simple thing, I have had the hardest time adhering to it. Now- here are my reasons, and they are, seemingly, valid- I’m a tired single mom, I work a lot, I don’t get enough sleep, I roll out of bed and hit the ground running, I have two teenagers to wake up and get moving, etc. etc. These are not just reasons, these are excuses. EXCUSES. Reasons are just excuses that make sense on some level. I am able to totally justify my not doing this one little thing. And yet, by the simple act of putting all reasons, excuses, and resistance aside and simply doing the damn thing, I may experience a new level of consciousness.

Am I a Robot? Errr…apparently.

How is 5 minutes a day going to give me a new level of consciousness? Could it really be that easy? Well, the new level comes not just from the sitting, but by the whole process of watching all the automatic resistance that comes up for me. In all spiritual traditions, the concept of ‘waking up’ is very relevant. In Fourth Way, part of the waking up process is called Self Remembering. To remember my true self, I have to understand my false self, the one that is a robot. I have to see how programmed I am to do certain things certain ways all the time, consistently. I have to observe how I play small and make excuses. I justify my limiting behavior. I procrastinate. I look for an easier way. I’m on automatic pilot more often than I realize. It wasn’t easy to see before this 5 minute morning exercise, because it isn’t easy to really see ourselves at all. I can see only what I know- but it is finding out what I don’t know that liberates me from the bondage of self.
For the past few weeks I would drive to work and puzzle over why I didn’t do my sitting exercise, or why I kept having such a problem with it. At first, I really didn’t know. I said to myself- “I can’t do this, my life is too busy.” But for crying out loud, its FIVE MINUTES! FIVE! So then I really started to observe myself, and watch myself NOT sit. I watched myself do everything BUT sit. And I learned a lot that I didn’t know.

The more I understand how I work, what makes me tick (Know Thyself! Of course!) the more I will learn to master what is a robotic function and become more of what I was before I became programmed by life. There is an essential, true, core self in all of us, that is trying to break through. In recovery, we have taken the first step in this adventure, when we surrender a way of life and a way of being, the only way we know, and commit to a life of abstinence from drugs and alcohol. This is a great launching place for the rest of the spiritual journey. The more we reveal our true natures, the more authentic we can show up in the world. We remove the barriers that keep us from experiencing the ebb and flow of life- when we fight it, we are like a drowning person, flailing at the injustice of it all. But when we are living in our truth, we surf. And if you know any surfers, they will tell you, surfing is when they feel closest to God.

ADVENTURES IN SOBRIETY

A couple of days ago, I had driven my daughter to an appointment in an area of LA that isn’t the greatest- not the kind of neighborhood you want to be in at night. Her appointment was fro m6:30 to 7:30 pm, so it was almost night time. It seems that I fell asleep in my car with it running- I had left it on for the heat, and was reading while I waited for her. I was awakened by my car making a strange sound, and then dying.


My first thought is that I had run down the little gas I had- I was planning on filling up the tank right after her appointment. I tried to text her to tell her that I was leaving the car and walking to the gas station, but she didn’t answer and the door to the building was locked. So I went as fast as I could, with only 15 minutes before she walked out of her appointment into the parking lot, at which point the door would lock behind her and she would be alone in the lot, not knowing what had happened to her mom. That was all I could think about as I walked as fast as I could to the gas station. SO, I bought the $15 gas container, and two gallons of gas ($4.70 here in Los Angeles, for those elsewhere). As I was filling the gas can, a man pulled up and asked if I needed a ride. Normally I would say no, but I had to get back to my daughter, who I had been worried about the whole time. As we were driving, he told me he had stayed twice at the half way house up the street, both times he got out of the penitentiary. Wow! Yeah, that isn’t the kind of thing you want to hear when you jump into a stranger’s car. But he then went on to tell me how he spoke to his son for the first time ever just the day before, and he told me his son’s name and that he found him on facebook. He then dropped me off and was on his way.


I put the gas in my car. Annnnnnd…it didn’t work. The only place that was around in the area, sharing the parking lot with doctor’s office that was open was a mental hospital. Yes, this is a true story. So I went there and tried to find someone with jumper cables. I found two ambulance attendants, who were very helpful and came and put the cables on my car. 15 minutes later- nothing. The battery was completely dead. And then, so was my phone. My daughter and I got in the back of the ambulance and they dropped us off at an Autozone, about 8 blocks away. I didn’t know if I was going to try to learn how to install a battery, alone with my 13 year in a dark parking lot, if I was going to carry that heavy thing up the 8 block long hill- I had no idea. As we stood in line, in a state of awe at the weirdness of the situation, I felt a nudge. An invisible nudge. It nudged- almost pushed- me towards a Hispanic man who was standing at the register.  I asked him if he knew how to install a battery. He said yes. I asked him if he could help us, and he said yes. His name was Daniel. He had to repair his own car, in the parking lot, so we sat on the curb for about an hour, my daughter and I wrapped in his sweatshirt that he gave us because we were cold, watching the people doing various street businesses on the corner.


Finally, he was done with his car. He didn’t speak English well enough to understand how to get to my car, so he told me to drive. His van seemed like his home- meaning, I think he lived in it. So I drove his van to the parking lot by the mental hospital, and he was able to install the new battery, our new friend Daniel.

PERCEPTION IS EVERYTHING

half empty? half full?

What was truly amazing about this adventure, and the point of this blog, is that every single time I needed someone, they showed up, like clockwork. It took 4 people to help- ambulance drivers, an ex con, and a homeless man who barely spoke English. But they were there, and I couldn’t question for one second the force that put everyone where they should be. Because really, that battery would have died eventually, and it could have been a lot worse.


there was a time when this adventure would have been a terrible chain of events- I wouldn’t have seen anything good about it at all. My daughter was inclined to get negative about it- I had said to her, “This could have been so much worse!” And she rolled her pre-teen eyes at me and said, “It could have been so much better, too.” To which I replied, “Maybe, but the way I am looking at it keeps me grateful and positive. The way you are looking at it will always make you a victim, and unhappy.” She smiled, and said, “Mom, you’re weird.” Later, though, she did concede that it was pretty wild how there were people right there, giving rides and helping install batteries and jump cars. I was glad she was there to experience it- stranded by a mental hospital in a bad part of town with the phone dead- it was like the setting for a slasher movie. And saved by 4 not-so-random angels. I love these awesome adventures in sobriety.

The moral of the story? It depends on how you look at it. Perception is everything. EVERYTHING. We learn this in recovery; its a pivotal lesson for us. The world adjusts to our personal frame of reference. It shows up exactly as we call it,  based on what we choose to see. Because I perceive this to be  good world, where I am divinely guided and protected, then it is. It is a good world. I am divinely guided and protected. And so are you.

Shedding the Veil of Illusion in Sobriety

 

As anyone who has been reading these blogs knows, my main area of interest is the spiritual journey, and how to remain as open and awake and aware as possible at all times. That alone will keep anyone busy, as the Ego is a worthy opponent that is constantly trying to undermine any efforts at living in truth and grace. The Ego is like a crafty old wolf, always lurking around trying to find a moment of weakness, telling lies and playing games. Addiction is one of the greatest tools of the Opponent, for the goal of the Ego is to block our contact with truth, with the Divine, with our selves- and our addiction covers all the bases quite nicely. When we are active in our disease, we are in a trance of complete delusion, we are puppets with blinders on. As there are many, many types of addiction ( from the obvious drugs and alcohol, to the not so obvious drama addicts and rage-aholics, who create strife in their lives and the lives of others in order to obtain the rush it provides for them) there are many, many other people incarcerated inside of themselves, cut off and isolated, sleepwalking through life, who are not even aware of their condition. As alcoholics and drug addicts, we are gifted with an alarm clock that others are not. We have a chance at redemption others don’t always get to discover.

When we wake up from the dream of addiction, we are confronted with a new reality- new for us, anyway- its the same reality many people have been living for a long time. How to navigate without the puppet strings, the blinders on? How do we deal? Its like the scene in the movie The Matrix.  When Neo is given the choice of the red pill or the blue, he chooses the pill of truth, and in so doing the illusions are stripped away and he is plunged into reality- not one which is as packaged or as attractive as The Matrix, which is a lie, a shared dream- in the real world the clothes are tattered, the food is goop, there is no sunlight, no real creature comfort in sight- but when they look each other in the eye, its a real eye looking back, and to a seeker of truth, that one fact is more valuable than the entire world of illusion. Connection. Unity. Love. Service. Compassion. The entire Matrix is a trifle compared to the infinite value of these things, even in the smallest doses.

In Eastern thought, the veils of illusion that are used to bewitch us are called Maya, and the continuous but random drift of passions, desires, emotions, and experiences inside the land of illusion is called Samsara. The Matrix is a great metaphor because the Matrix is Maya, and the people in the Matrix are simply dreaming life- Samsara. Once we surrender drugs and alcohol, we are still left with the rest of the illusory world and all its other temptations with which to replace the substance. Putting away the substance is hard enough, but then there is everything else!  If we are lucky, we get to quickly get to the heart of the matter, and discover how false and hollow these things are-  promiscuity, ambition, cheap thrills, gossip, gambling, emotional hostage taking, material possessions, power, victimhood, people pleasing, rage, and financial gain, just to name a few. We exploit them and find that they work, at first. But then they stop working so well, and pretty soon they don’t work at all. Hopefully we discover a new value system at this point, one that doesn’t tolerate the False Idols. Sometimes we lament at the loss of these  cheap thrills, but then we gain humility and maturity, we grow up, we stop wanting more and start wanting the Next Level. We begin to seek real experiences that nourish our souls, support intimacy in our relationships and sustain our recovery. We begin to love life just the way it is, and stop complaining about the way it isn’t. We look to neutralize conflict or avoid it when possible (and healthy). And hopefully we learn that when we are stripped down to our most undiluted essence, life also disrobes in a spiritual striptease that leaves only the naked truth, with nothing in between you and Supreme Beingness, the Source, God, whatever you choose to call it. Once you’ve experienced that, you will be loathe to ever let anything stand in between you and the Source ever again.

If you haven’t seen The Matrix in a while, I suggest you do. My favorite part is near the end, when Neo stops running from the Opponent (Agent Smith, who is as devious, cunning, insidious, and shape shifting as our Ego, our Disease), turns around, and dives right into that thing he has been afraid of. His faith became absolute- faith where there is no room for fear or doubt, only absolute certainty. That sort of faith changes lives, when we turn and face what we fear most, when we stop running. This is Contrary Action to the extreme, and its the basis of nearly every spiritual practice and certainly an important tenet in recovery.

There are lots of things we are running from when we are actively drinking or using. Its one thing to put down the drink or drug, but entirely another to see what was lurking behind the drink that you were hiding from- from trauma, or responsibility, from our deep sense of self loathing, feelings of inadequacy, fear of failure or success, rejection, or fear of nearly everything. When we put down the substance, there is all of that waiting for us, and the Opponent knows it. It will play mind games with you, compel you into absurd situations that will place you in the line of fire in order to find that weak spot, and manipulate with you with your own fear. Why not beat it to the punch and get really real with all that you are running from?

A Course in Miracles (one of my favorite books) says anything that is not love is not real. ANYTHING THAT IS NOT LOVE IS NOT REAL. So I made a list of everything I had been running from, all the fears and false idols, and next to each I wrote- “Is this Love?  No. Anything that is not love is not real. This is not love. It isn’t real.” Wouldn’t it be amazing if you came to know that you made it all up, and that you can  co-create your own reality with the faith that you are safe, loved, that miracles are on their way and you need to be preparing for an awesome life instead of hiding from an unpleasant one? I think so. If your life isn’t looking like this then you might not be ready to let go of the suffering your mind is telling you is real, and thats okay, too. Most of us are addicted to suffering, and if not addicted, then very, very attached to it. But you are free to choose, and its important that you know this.  We all have the freedom to choose to stay imprisoned by our hallucinations. You’ll choose to be empowered over disempowered when you are ready.

When we walk into the safe haven of recovery and choose a life of abstinence from mind altering substances, we sign up for the greatest adventure of all time. We wake up from one dream right into another, and we continue to wake up as we go. We shed the false and come to cherish intimacy, relationships, principles, work, spiritual practice. We perceive the world lovingly, with tolerance and compassion. But first things first; if you are new in recovery, rest assured that the terrors will pass. The cravings will pass. You are literally in the worst part of hell, and the Opponent, the Ego, the Trickster, the Disease, some even call him, appropriately, the Devil- is riding your coat tails. That is why you need a community to get you through that first year, you need a full surrender, to be teachable and hopefully desperate. After that, the next part of the journey begins. And the journey, as they say, is the destination. Your entire life has lead you to this exact place. Which pill will you choose?

Relapse and Death- don’t think it can’t happen to you

It is inevitable, in recovery, that you will experience the loss of acquaintances and friends to the disease of alcoholism and addiction. For me, there is nothing more tragic than the waste of a life to a substance. I take that back, there is a lot of tragic and un-necessary suffering and death in the world, too much of it. But the loss of life from this disease strikes close to the heart, and strikes close to home.


I have seen how this affliction starts out, in childhood, the feelings of irritable discontent, not fitting in, feeling like an outsider, an interloper, a fraud. I personally know what it feels like to feel like the rest of the world got a handbook and I didn’t. And I know how it feels when you finally find a solution to the problem, which, in our case, is the open arms of drugs or alcohol.  As addicts, we never learn to find solutions elsewhere- why would we? It works for us, we think. It gives us a sense of security, of control, of euphoria, of belonging. Until we are completely taken hostage and we are no longer choosing to do the substance but have no choice, and are therefore prisoners to our addiction. When we come to recovery, we finally have an alternative. Its not always an easy choice. The statistics, if they are to be trusted, illustrate this. And if you are curious about them, I suggest doing some research, but they are, errrrr, sobering.


There is the image I have in my mind of something I once read of a bird, sitting in the cage although the door is wide open. Even though this bird had sung of wanting freedom every day of its life, when the door was opened, it wouldn’t leave. We think we want out of the prison, but we are too frightened of what is outside the bars. We can’t not trust that it will all turn out okay. We stay imprisoned. We relapse. Or, I should say, a relapse happens which slams the door shut again.

That door opens when we get sober. We have the opportunity for a life beyond our wildest possible dreams, and at nearly 5 years sober, I can attest to it. Its true.  Sobriety is worth giving every single ounce of effort to keep, no matter what. And yet there are those who can’t handle the freedom that is being offered, and the sure fire way to shut the door again is to use. Too often, that person will go back to using the same quantities of the substance that they did before attempting to get sober, and it kills them. I know 5 people in the past year- young, funny, smart, sweet, spirited people, who experienced this very same thing. After a few months clean, one’s tolerance is down, and that return dose to slam the door shut is fatal.


It is controversial to state that we need to inform people that they need to be mindful of this if they relapse. I don’t mind controversy, though. Its controversial to hand out condoms to teenagers, as if we are condoning teen sex. It is controversial to dispense clean needles to addicts so that they don’t spread disease. But these are measures meant to save lives. Many people have relapsed, and sometimes it takes several of them before they finally get it. I wish that the 5 people I mentioned had lived through that last fatal relapse- it might have been their bottom, or their second to last. They might have gone on to lead productive lives. But they foolishly returned to the doses they were familiar with, and they didn’t get that chance. I’d rather see someone live through their mistakes and get another chance to get this thing.


I am one of those people who nearly didn’t survive. When i was 18, I was addicted to pills. My source was compromised,  I had a gnarly detox, and then I moved onto alcohol, pot, lsd, and ecstacy. I went on Grateful Dead tour. And when I got home, I was disoriented and restless, and I wanted my pills. I scored my normal amount, which was a variety of 20 or so downers. And I died, blue, cold, on the floor of my dad’s living room. I woke up in four point restraints in CCU. I was lucky, and yet I went on to use for another 20 years. I also went on to have beautiful children, to acquire nearly 5 years of sobriety to date,  and to become a productive member of society. I almost didn’t, and I am so glad I was given a second chance.

That is why I am hoping people will spread the word. You can’t stop a relapse, but simply raising your hand at a meeting and reminding the room that if one does end up relapsing, be careful, start out slow, remember that your body’s tolerance has changed. It isn’t condoning- if anything its a reminder of what one is risking if one chooses to relapse. At meetings, I like to remind the room- “At this time next year, someone in here will be dead. WIll it be you? This disease is not a joke. Keep your seat.” So its not condoning.  Its looking after your people. Relapse is inevitable for some people, they aren’t ready.  But by speaking up, you might save a life. It isn’t everyone’s destiny to survive their addictions, but in recovery, it is our primary consideration to carry the message. The message is about second chances. Let’s make sure as many people get those second chances as possible.

Holding Them In Contempt

 

Recently I had a dream about someone I know. In my dream, I was in a store, and I was suddenly aware of someone next to me that I could tell, without looking, was a homeless person. I immediately felt compassion for this person standing beside me, who smelled like desperation and having gone too long without creature comforts, like a bed and a shower. I looked up to give him a warm smile when I saw it was not a nameless person but a significant person in my life who I have had a great deal of difficulty with- I’d even go out on a limb and say he has been THE single most disruptive person in the span of my life. Suddenly, the smile I was about to offer was gone, and so was the compassion that fueled it. I watched him go score 3 bags of heroin, and my loathing grew. My usual state of caring for addicts did not apply to him, simply because he is who he is. Holding them in contempt never works.


When I woke up, I realized something critical. I had not been offering the same to him, in my mind and heart, as I do for complete strangers. This is someone with whom I have a lot of history, significant family connections, and who I will always be connected to as a result of family, and yet I haven’t been able to see through our turbulent history to the human being that he is. Mind you, I thought I had been holding him in that place, but really it was only intellectually, the shift had not taken place in my heart, where true perception lives.


So, I made the shift. It did not require a lot of work, or fanfare, or talking, or soul searching. It was as simple as calling a spade a spade (me, I’m the spade, I’m the and owning my part. What happened was this- he started to show up differently in his actions. He went from hostility and aggression to calm interactions. He started doing things differently in regards to our mutual family members, when previously I had held him in contempt and incapable of showing up for said family. And his wife, with whom I have also had many unpleasant interactions has also shown up in a different way. We, who have not spoken in over two years, are now communicating daily about important matters that need to be discussed.


In my first couple of years of sobriety, it was important for me to not expect people to be other than what they are. If their behavior is consistently hurtful, then to expect anything different would be silly and cause more pain for me. I can’t tell you how many times I would continue to try different angles or to people please to try to appease negative people, or limp away, again, because they reacted the way they usually do and for some reason I was surprised. Its like the story of the frog and the scorpion- A scorpion needed a ride across a river. He asked a frog if he could go across on his back. The frog said, “What? No way, you’re a scorpion, you’ll sting me to death.” The scorpion assured him he wouldn’t, pointing out that if he did, he would die too. So the frog consented, and halfway across, the scorpion stings him. As he starts to drown, the frog cries, “Why? Why?” And the scorpion, also drowning, replies, “What did you expect? I’m a scorpion. Its my nature.” This story helped me understand, people just are as they are. We get in trouble if we don’t recognize this and accept them for it and act accordingly. I was able to accept this person in my life for being who and what he was; I stopped being surprised by his behavior, I stopped expecting anything different, and I stopped taking it all personally. That was a big step, and it helped immensely. It was a thorough acceptance of him as who he is, but I hadn’t gotten to the deeper work of understanding what my part in it truly is in all of it.


Now, coming up on my 5th sober birthday, the new lesson is going beyond mere acceptance to a heart shift into a pure place. In this space, the person goes from being held in contempt  by me-in  the place where I held this particular individual, he would never do the right thing and if there was a terrible thing to say or do, he would say it, or do it. In my perception I held him captive there, and he complied to this view of him. Once I had this dream, and experienced a shift, he was no longer held into place by my negative view of him, by the labels I placed on him as a tormentor and controller. That view also kept me in my place, which is on the receiving end of it all. By releasing him, I released myself, and the playing field is cleared of all the debris that made it impossible for any smooth or civil interaction. This was one of the most significant lessons in my life, and it was so subtle, it just unfolded right into my lap and I was thankfully aware and awake enough to see the opportunity present itself.

This is a great thing to  be mindful of any time, but especially during the Holiday season. All of us have those family members in our lives that we hold in contempt, in spite of all our well meaning amends. We may clean up the slate with them, but it doesn’t mean we have eliminated the toxic shape we force them to fit into in our minds. If you notice this happening, stop and notice how you participate in the subtle aspects of the relationship. This is your part in it; this is your perception. If you aren’t able to get around this, then simply accept that person exactly as they are, and don’t expect anything different- you aren’t ready to give them the room to be anything else yet. When you are ready, you can go to the next level, where you truly see your part in the relationship, that you offer them no room to be different without a shift in your own perception. Then you can sit back and watch how life works- a shift in perception changes the world. Your world. And your world affects other people’s worlds. Worlds shift when your perception does; its a quantum phenomenon and the truest truism I know. When you show up differently, look at things differently, you allow others to do the same. Its liberating for all involved, and a priceless gift to yourself.

Baby Chick Syndrome-Carry the Message, Not the Alcoholic

I was thinking the other day of something I heard about years ago. It was a story about how important it is for a baby chick to fight its way out of the egg. It is quite a struggle, and the impulse for any kind hearted person would be to help the little guy out. So someone did that, and the baby chick died shortly thereafter. Apparently, the struggle to emerge activated necessary muscles that the chick would need for survival outside the egg. It needed to strengthen its neck muscles with the pecking and squirming, its little legs with the kicking and scratching.


It is the same for us. We develop muscles and skills in our emerging process in recovery that are critical to our survival in sobriety. That is why they say to carry the message, and not the alcoholic- if we carry the alcoholic, they may not gain the musculature they need for the future. It isn’t always easy to know the dividing line between being of service, and being an enabler for other negative behaviors.


When I was first in recovery, I certainly didn’t know the difference. I found myself running after women who had gone out on a run, banging on doors where they were holed up with their junky boyfriends, running to hotel rooms to drag  drunk women into a detox (more than once for the same woman), I’ve been thrown up on by women and once was peed on, I’ve held their hair while they threw up in the toilet, trying to count the number of pills that were undigested. I’ve carried women who weigh more than me up stairs. I could keep going here, but you get the idea.


I will say this- my heart was in the right place. It was. But errantly so; these things did not ultimately help any of these women. I remember calling the sponsor of some of these women who said- “I don’t run after wet ones,” or, “I don’t get involved in the madness.” I couldn’t understand it. My own sponsor, in one of these situations, got really angry with me. She said they were not willing, they were drunk, and when they sobered up and got willing they could give a call. I remember thinking this sounded wrong; weren’t we supposed to do everything in our power to help?


I really don’t know where that line is. But I do understand that no human power can relieve us of our alcoholism, and also I do understand that after many of these scenarios, I am not in a hurry to go running after someone who is out there using. I have seen that it isn’t effective. I have seen how ugly and crazy it is, and that talking to the disease is fruitless. It lies and lies and says what you want to hear. It’ll realize that the only way out is to act sorry and clean up a little and get me off their back so they can go use again.


One friend I used to always go running after would feign an utter lack of being able to do anything. She made herself seem so incompetent, as if left to her own devices she would crumple into a wad of discarded paper, like a small child. I would make calls to get her into treatment, to find people to help her move, donate money to the storage, take care of her dogs, you name it- and every time she would get a couple of months and disappear again. After one run, she picked up the phone and made some calls herself, and got herself from the crack den she was living in to a sober living, all on her own. She was literally the baby chick pecking her own way out of the shell. What I had done was tried to take the shell off for her, robbing her of the struggle that is so vital to her ability to stay sober.


There are no hard and fast rules to it; we are here to help another alcoholic achieve sobriety. Some people put newcomers up in their homes, some give rides to them, some take their phone calls or escort them to court to offer support. Keeping the metaphor of the baby chick in mind, we can listen to the newcomer and try to discern where we can really offer support, without doing the work for them. I knew a woman once who I met at a 9 am meeting. She was a little wobbly, and she was stressing about the time in between meetings at that location. There were meetings all day, but about 1 or 2 hours in between. She wanted someone to take her home and bring her back to the meetings instead of sitting there in between and waiting, if need be. I did that; that same meeting, I just sat there in between and talked to whoever was also hanging around. It was awful for me as a newcomer, I felt lame and like everyone had somewhere important to go to except me. I was the one loser hanging around the church waiting for the next meeting. But for me, it was incredibly humbling exactly because it was so uncomfortable. I conveyed this to her, and she ended up doing the same. I saw her over this past weekend at a brunch spot and she came up to hug me, and thanked me for suggesting she hang around in between meetings, that she had met some of her strongest support team members in the lull.

What do we rob people of when we make it too easy on them? The self esteem that comes from doing things themselves, on their own steam. We won’t always know where to draw the line, but its worth thinking about when we are offering to be of service. Don’t break the egg for the baby chick. And don’t let anyone do it for you! But one thing is for sure, I still, to this day, err on the side of caution. It may not ultimately help that person stay sober, but it will me!

Spiritual Restlessness: Being Called to Go Deeper in Sobriety

I have been noticing that at a certain point in recovery, many people start to want to go to the ‘next level.’ What that means, exactly, is really up to the person experiencing it, but one does know when they have come to a plateau in their personal development and need something to stimulate further growth. Many people look to AA and the AA community to be that thing that inspires and creates growth, and it just isn’t always going to be able to do that. For me, the answer is not to go to more meetings, because more of the same thing is not my Next Level. I needed something different, something else, something to add to my existing program.


I think its dangerous to have this feeling and not seek an outlet for it; I have seen this turn from a spiritual restlessness and desire for growth into a spiritual malady and desire for drink if its not addressed. It almost makes me think that our original desire for a drink stems from a spiritual restlessness. This may not be true for all, but I feel like its  true for me. I had disconnected from the God of my family, the Southern Baptist, Judgmental God. I wanted nothing to do with him, but that doesn’t mean I wanted nothing to do with something bigger than me, something I could turn to, something that helped me feel safe in the world. Its like someone who  is estranged from their father- being estranged doesn’t fix the problem of feeling lonely, missing the relationship with the father, being resentful at the isolation from the source of comfort and safety. And so, I was like that, estranged from God but missing God. And then… there was alcohol, and the spiritual suffering was numbed to some extent.


Even during all my drinking and using, I was obsessed with books by illuminated souls, like Joseph Campbell, Howard Thurman, and Pierre Tielhard de Chardin. I would constantly read about other religions and spiritual practices. I wanted something, but since I made alcohol and drugs my Higher Power, all I could do is intellectualize about it. I couldn’t have it for my own, that experience of being connected to the Source. I was reminded of the scriptural saying of my early days, which said that God is a jealous God and would have no other before Him. In this situation, it was true, but in a different way- no jealousy involved, but truly when I put alcohol and drugs (or anything, for that matter- love, money, fear, you name it) before God, then I do not have access to the true Source. And so it was- I worshipped alcohol, I worshipped drugs, I worshipped the high, the oblivion. And there was no room for God.


When I got sober, I slowly got to know my Higher Power. It really helped that I was encouraged to find a God of my understanding. One thing I know for sure is that I can not ever understand my Higher Power.  The second I think I do, I have to know that its no longer my Higher Power, but my idea of a Higher Power, which will always be more than I can conceive of. The God of my understanding is a God I don’t understand.  My Higher Power is truly a mystery, has a playful sense of humor, is generous and loving, sends me into situations that cause my heart and soul to expand and grow. I do not have a name for It, or a gender, or an idea of what It looks like, I only know that I am having an amazing relationship with this Grace that holds all things together, and I love it. I love this relationship for providing all the things I always wanted- I am safe, secure, protected and guided. I am encouraged to Know Myself, and to love myself, so that I can more fully love and accept others. And, I am happy. Every single day.


So then there is the Next Level. It got to a point for me where I wanted to really go beyond where I am right now. I want to know who I am and what I am doing, which of my behaviors are programmed and how to de-program myself so I am coming from an authentic and true place. I have to discover what my Truth really is, so I can know how to come from that place, and I have to discover what is false, so I can reject it in favor of the Truth. I have heard it said that if you kill yourself in the first 5 years of sobriety, you are killing the wrong person. I am a few months shy of my 5th sober birthday, and I can tell you, that is so true. I am so much more ME than I was when I came in- when I got sober, and for the first few years, I was just a bundle of programming, reactions, raw nerves and issues. I was run by  resentments and fears and desires. I did what I did because I didn’t know what else to do, it was automatic, like a robot. Even if it felt spontaneous or original, like I was making my own decisions, the underlying truth was that I really wasn’t

.
Once I started to reject my script, and respond, not react, right in the moment and based on the truth of me, I found a liberation that can not be put into words. I can’t even describe it to you, except that the experience of it is worth living for. Its inspired and inspiring.  I wanted to dive deeper into it, to understand more. I am a seeker, and I know where to look, and as such I have been very involved with my own personal Next Level. But I have seen people who are not seekers by nature who are hit with the spiritual restlessness and, like I said before, not knowing to use it to motivate them into a spiritual inquiry allowed it to turn into a spiritual malady. Its easy at that time to start questioning AA, and recovery itself. People in this phase tend to go to fewer and fewer meetings, and grow ‘bored’ of the recovery community. When we don’t work the steps, we lose our footing.  The 11th Step is an ongoing step, and it can be a real doozy for some.


If you feel yourself wanting more than AA, don’t turn your back on AA, just grab onto something else to supplement what AA is. Its important to know that AA isn’t everything. It isn’t claiming to be. It encourages you to deepen your relationship with your Higher Power IN ADDITION to going to meetings, being of service and letting go of resentments. If you are church minded, find a great church. Find a meditation group, or go to Yoga. There are a million great books that can inspire a spiritual journey to blossom- I suggest Deepak Chopra’s ‘Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire’, or Marianne Williamson’s ‘Return To Love’, or the book she refers to throughout it, A Course In Miracles. I have become seriously interested in A Course In Miracles, and also a system of teaching, or a school of thought, called The Fourth Way, whose basic principle is to Know Thyself. Kabbalah is fascinating as well. Any and all of these give the spiritual support system that a really inspiring program of recovery should have as part of its arsenal for success.


I bring it up because I have spoken to yet another friend, (of the many who have hit that spot, that spiritual restlessness, between their 3rd and 5th year) and he opted out, decided to try a little controlled drinking. I am close to him so I watched how easily he went from wanting more light to tossing himself into the dark. We do have the disease of ‘more’, but if we are deliberate and aim in the right direction, that desire for more can serve us well. There is nothing wrong with more light, more love, more service, more connection to a Higher Power, more grace, more harmony, more unity. The definition of the word ‘sin’ literally means to ‘miss the mark.’ If you aim in the wrong direction, you are bound to do just that. When we use our weaknesses (our desire for more) as our strength (our desire for more used rightly in the name of Grace), we do not miss the mark. We do not ‘sin’. We create a better world for ourselves and others, and that is the opposite of missing the mark; thats the whole point.

So if you are feeling mad at AA right now, resentful of meetings, wanting more but not knowing what, its a slippery time for you. Understand that its not AA’s fault; you simply are being called to go deeper. Feed your soul with whatever spiritual practice or words of wisdom or religious community you find works for you to support your sobriety, and don’t delay. Steps 10, 11, and 12 must be done on a regular basis. Constant contact with a Higher Power is an integral part of this thing.  If you are feeling restless, you are being called into action, and feeding that spiritual longing with more Spirit is the solution.

Be All You Can Be (or, How I Found My Higher Power)

 

Recently at a meeting we read a section in As Bill Sees It about having a spiritual experience (PAGE 182) . In itself it made a great topic, and of course it got me to thinking. Then the speaker shared, and in her share she spoke of an intense sense of wanting approval and to belong before she came to AA and commenced a life of sobriety.

MY HIGHER POWER WAS THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE  

I found these two topics- that of the spiritual experience and also of the wanting of approval connecting in a new way in my mind. I know when I walked into the rooms, one of the very first things I heard was someone talking about alienation. I was hooked in right away, because that exact feeling underwrote every single aspect of my existence. It has always been the driving force of my life, including my drinking and using. I once heard someone say- “My Higher Power was the look on your face,” and that was very, very impactful when I heard that. It was true for me- I wanted, needed to feel as if I belonged, and your approval was paramount to validating that. Or not.


How I, in all my infinite wisdom, handled that when I was a kid was this- I acted aloof, like I didn’t care, like your approval was the LAST thing on earth I needed. God forbid you should know how important it was for me to be liked. I figured that if I courted your disapproval, I would at least be certain of a predictable result, and it would just be the icing on the cake if somehow I got your approval instead. I then sought out other ‘disenfranchised’ who, in some ways, were doing the same thing, and then were able to belong to groups of people who felt they did not belong- punk rock being the first. If I listened to the music, got high with you, pierced my ears 20 times and wore the right clothes, I could belong by not belonging.


I also learned that I could belong, and get your approval, if we went to the bathroom and did drugs together. And more importantly, I cared less when I had a few drinks in me. I also learned that, at any bar with regulars, it wouldn’t take but a few drinks before they all felt like my family. Drugs and alcohol gave me an almost instant rapport, with almost anyone. And I came to understand that if you liked me, I loved you. And if you didn’t like me, f*ck you and the horse you rode in on. And until I knew which one you were, I was suspicious of you.
When I walked into the rooms of AA for the first time, shaking and scared and at the end of my rope, I felt as if I was going to be kicked out. Everyone seemed so healthy and happy, they all looked as if they belonged- and of course, I wasn’t feeling that. I felt like I was poisonous and toxic, and would infect all the happy people with my mere presence. And then I heard someone share about alienation. For me, this was profound- it had been my biggest secret and source of shame, that feeling of not belonging to anything. I couldn’t believe someone would admit that in a room full of people- the idea made me extremely uncomfortable, but intrigued that someone could be so brave as to be that vulnerable in front of others.


Just that one share, however, reached into that dark and lonely place where I cowered for years, like the little man behind the curtain in Wizard of Oz, operating the illusion of confidence and self possession. I think a lot of people would have been surprised to know how I really felt- I swaggered through the world feigning indifference, but it was all a front. That share at that 10:30 am meeting on February 20, 2007 was like the little dog Toto (just to stay with the analogy) who unwittingly pulled back the curtain to reveal the truth of the matter, who got behind the illusion to the real person. I am so glad that guy raised his hand that day.


BE ALL YOU CAN BE
At that moment I was able to surrender to the core of my being, because I instantly felt like I belonged. Not because of the music I listened to or because someone wanted to sleep with me or because we did drugs together or any of the false reasons that made me feel I had gotten your seal of approval. I belonged simply because I walked in the room and sat down. I didn’t need to be anything other than what I was, which, at that time, was desperate. Sheer, unbridled desperation- what a gift for a new comer.


Pretty soon, that feeling of belonging became intrinsic to my being, and has become the foundation of my sobriety, and my spiritual experience. I could not have a profound spiritual experience if the look on your face was my Higher Power- if a smile made me feel validated and a frown meant I either had to hate you or win your approval or drink at you in a storm of disappointment- its an exhausting and constant tap dance in which there is little room for any other Higher Power. When I was able to surrender that, I was able to give myself over to a new way of being, a new Higher Power, and a new life. I could not have abstained from alcohol and drugs without giving this up; I had to be willing to surrender my entire way of life up to that point. I had to stop looking for approval, which meant I stopped doing things that I had done my whole life and had become habitual. Everything in my life had to be examined for authenticity and discarded if it was not in alignment with this new life, this new spiritual experience.


At this point, I don’t have isolated ‘spiritual experiences.’ Its ALL a spiritual experience, all of it. I see it that way, because I choose to see it that way, and so it is. AA truly has given me a life beyond my wildest dreams, as they say. Wild because when I walked in, I had no idea that this level of joy and serenity existed, much less was available for little ol’ me. And its there for everyone. Like the saying goes- “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” I love that, and its true for every single one of us- when we are ready and willing to surrender everything we think we are and remain open to becoming all that we were meant to be.