Am I a quitter?

I hope so. One of the funny things that I have learned as I traipse through this life is that it is harder to quit things. It seems that I have run after things that are not good for me, latch on to them and refuse to let go. But things which are inherently good for me? I won’t touch ‘em. My whole life I have taken a twisted pride in eating mostly double cheeseburgers, drinking coffee and never water, hating vegetables, and smoking like its going out of style. Oh, and never working out. I’ve worn this badge of honor as if I am somehow exempt from the world of people who do these things for health and for fitness. So now I am blowing the whistle, not only on these things, but on ANYTHING I have over identified with in my life.

What does this have to do with recovery? EVERYTHING. After 4 years of being able to abstain from drugs and alcohol, I am getting used to have new layers of truth revealed to me. And this truth is a fundamental one, so much so it was inscribed on the portico at the temple of Delphi- it is, KNOW THYSELF. For me, this means going through my litany of who I fancy myself to be. Then I have to look at those things I think add up to the sum total of me; do they serve me? Do they serve others? Where did these beliefs about myself come from? Are they in any way limiting or negative? I discovered that QUITTING some of the manifestations of long held beliefs are now revealing more about my true nature than I could have previously known- precisely because I was over identifying with my ‘armor’, and not with that inside the armor, where the truth is.

So now, 12 days into quitting smoking, I am wrestling with cravings and feelings and epiphanies that are frequently uncomfortable. I feel like I should be chewing on scorpions and broken glass. I can’t think about much else besides smoking a cigarette. I have been smoking for, errrrrr, well, a long time. Okay, I’ll fess up- since I was 13, and I am 42.  A long long time. I have been in a state of mourning, nearly. There is a loss. It is not a joke. And because I have never properly valued health and fitness, trading my habit for health still doesn’t register as a good trade. This is where I have to trust the process. I might not be able to comprehend the outcome as desirable yet, but it is bound to be better than the one I was headed for as a smoker, and as someone who has always been cavalier about my own well being. The same was true when I got sober- I simply had to trust that others who went before me on the road of recovery knew what they were talking about, and do what they told me worked for them.

Who knows-next I might even quit being someone who doesn’t drink water or go to the gym. Last year I quit being someone who lived in financial fear and fear of intimacy. I quit being someone who doesn’t do taxes, and I quit being someone who drives a 15 year old beater. Maybe I am a quitter, after all!

So, dear reader, what are you up to in life? What are you ready to give up? I am always curious to know, because the first three things you say in response are holding a lot of power over you, and we are never free as long as exterior things dictate our internal state of being. Being in recovery is nothing if there isn’t growth, and that is what this is all about- becoming something we were always meant to be, which often requires letting go of things that we are not (but think we are).