Principles Before Personalities

 

Last night I had a conversation with a friend about Principles Before Personalities. It is one of my favorite slogans in AA, and one that, for me, is the epitome of simplicity, elegance, and purity. I was given such a beautiful lesson in exactly what this means a few years ago, and I like to share about this when I am asked to speak at meetings. I was relaying this to my friend last night, and again the profundity of this experience in sobriety struck me- I wouldn’t be who i am now without it.

PRINCIPLES BEFORE PERSONALITIES- huh?

A few summers ago, I was at the house of a friend on a cliff in Malibu. It was pretty much the perfect summer day, at a pool overlooking the ocean. All my friends who were there were planning to go to dinner after and then return to the house to bask in the moonlight by the fire. I had committed to go to a friend’s birthday party at a pizza parlor in town- a long and traffic filled drive on a Saturday, and I did not want to be bothered. I wanted to stay with my friends, in paradise. I had gone to each person there and gotten them to cosign my desire to bail on the party I had committed to, and they all had.  I was exhausted- because I knew I needed to go, I knew that this person loved me and wanted to see me. She had single handedly adorned my birthday with dozens of balloons and confetti and part favors a few months before- it just wasn’t right not to go. And because I knew it, I exhausted myself convincing myself and then convincing everyone else to convince me that I didn’t need to go.

Suddenly I realized that I was full of shit. My personality was running the show. My principles dictate that I am a person of my word, and that if I say I am going to be there, I am going to be there unless an emergency prevails that is not foreseeable.

As soon as the reality hit me, I jumped up and was out the door in  flash. I didn’t even say goodbye, in case I was so thorough in my convincing that someone might try to detain me on the merit of my previous campaign. There was traffic, as predicted, all up PCH. I had to get home first to change and wash the chlorine out of my hair, but I was committed to getting there.

When I got to my building, I squealed into my parking spot and waited restlessly for the elevator. Once the elevator got to my floor, I peeled out and ran towards my apartment door. About 10 feet away, I heard the beeping. Lots of beeping. All the smoke detectors in my apartment were going off. They must have just started, because the neighbors had not yet opened their doors to see what the commotion was about. I opened my door to be met with a wall of smoke, too thick to see through. I was able to see the flame, though not much else, as my bathroom was on fire. I jumped in the shower and ripped off the head and directed a stream of water to extinguish the flames, which had engulfed an entire wooden table and a good part of the wall.

Had I chosen to stay at the house with my friends, my house would have gone up in flames. Had I gotten there even one minute later,  the fire would have gotten beyond my ability to extinguish it. I spent the next 3 hours scrubbing the thick black soot off the walls, crying in literal awe and gratitude, just muttering “thank you, thank you, thank you,” as I scrubbed. I was humbled. I needed it. And I got it. My Higher Power was very much so communicating with me, and I got it loud and clear. We are all so prone to do the thing we want to do; its so much easier to pay homage to our personality’s wishes and procrastinate on the principles. Its very tricky because this operates largely below our own radar, we just simply DO, act on the impulse that our personality dictates so that its automatic. Like auto pilot. Like a robot, seeking comfort. We are programmed to behave in this way. It takes effort to recognize when we are on autopilot and CHOOSE to honor our principles and commitments. But the rewards were made obvious to me- when I honored my commitment, I saved my house from burning down. This is also metaphorical. Often we don’t know what will burn because we didn’t apply principles to a situation- we just suffer because our life is not as we want it to be, without realizing it is a result of our following our immediate desires.

NOT JUST A BURNING BUSH

And I am learning daily that it isn’t just ‘burning bush’ experiences like this, but the little daily activities that require my attention to upholding principles. I try to put the cart away at the store, put clothes back on hangers the way I found them, don’t litter, make my bed in the morning- or, at least I try. Because I not only know that I choose to live like I am always being watched by someone to whom I want to be a good example, but also because I know on days I don’t make my bed, I might try to not put the cart away at the store. Then I might decide that I prefer not to get to the morning meeting. And then I might not go to a meeting for a week or call my sponsor.  And then I might not use restraint of pen and tongue (and text)  and destroy a relationship, and then I might quit my job and before too long reach for a drink.  These are all very definite signs that principles are NOT running the show. I am.  And when I run the show, it snowballs into a little slice of hell that starts to poison the well and everyone in it. So if I wake up and don’t make my bed, I know to be super vigilant through out the day. For me, its so nice to have these daily checkpoints so I can watch personality trying to take over.

The spiritual aspect of sobriety excites me because it is so much more than abstaining from drinking or using. Once it gets gnarly, once life starts to burn, often people resort to drinking and using again because they do not understand that principles before personalities is not just something we say at meetings- its a truism that must take root for a life of real recovery and emotional sobriety to take place in a sustainable way. I have had many such epiphanies and insights since then, which is what inspired me to start blogging. Life is a grand and epic adventure, one day at a time. Not just for me, but for anyone who chooses to take it on as such. Life is miraculous, and sobriety gives us the opportunity to recognize the miracles that are always there, always hanging around, waiting to be noticed. God could and would if he were sought, for me, is that the joy and magic of life is right here, waiting to be seen, waiting for us to wake up, open our eyes, and see it. Or, as Albert Einstein says-

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is.”

~ Albert Einstein