You don't know what you don't know…

You don’t know what you don’t know until you do.

About a month ago, I was approached in the produce section of the grocery store by a good looking man who turned out to be a chiropractor. He commented on my boots and gave me his card. I have never been to a chiropractor, and didn’t really have any intention to go, but I kept his card anyway. My oldest daughter started complaining about her back, coming in to where I was sitting and popping the bones in her back for my benefit. “Did you hear that??” she would say every time. So I called to make an appointment for her with the doctor I had met by the strawberries at Ralph’s.

During her adjustment, she insisted I also get one, which I did. To my surprise, I needed it.  She and I went a couple of more times when it was suggested I get a massage. So I did. My first REAL massage, not a pamper-y spa massage, but one by a professional who was able to point out to me my scoliosis, and the areas of my body that were in knots and out of whack. I was shocked, to be honest. If you had asked me, I would have said I was fine. But what was really the surprising thing was how I felt after, and still do- loose, limber, balanced, relaxed in my limbs an connected to my body. I’ve never felt this way, and I didn’t know that what I felt on a daily basis wasn’t the best I could feel. I didn’t have any idea that I was living in discomfort as I had gotten so used to it. And when it was lifted, I was able to fully understand how I had been feeling for so many years, able to fully comprehend the quality of life I had come to accept out of sheer ignorance. It isn’t bliss, by the way.

I tell this story for two reasons- one is that it is remarkable that we truly don’t know a thing until we move away from it and can then identify it. In recovery, being able to stand up and say, admit, and own that we are an alcoholic or an addict gives us a necessary shift in perspective, it gives us clarity and it gives us something to heal from. And in the journey of recovery, we often don’t know how twisted our thinking is, how damaged our relationships, how warped our feelings are, or how splintered our psyches have become until we heal enough to look back and say- “This is different. Now that I am beginning to feel more whole, I realize how incomplete I have been.” Sometimes we just do not, can not, know while we are immersed in it. That is why it is so critical to trust others. When we are newly sober, we are still operating in our world that we created out of our ego sickness, and when we start to practice principles, as our self esteem builds, our vision clears, we see the error of our ways and endeavor to right the wrongs. It is a beautiful thing.

Secondly, my Higher Power is funny. When it is time for me to learn something, the right person or situation is thrust upon me. This person who has helped connect me to my body (a vital connection, I am now realizing) and gently instigated self care and wellness had to literally approach me. It was my daughter’s back that got me into the office; I would never have gone for myself.

My old business partner Amber Smith and I were going to do a show on Self Care and Wellness for our now defunct 247 Recovery Channel, because we knew we didn’t know the first thing about it. We thought it might be interesting to show two sober women who had no idea on a journey of discovering how to care for ourselves. Self care, for us, was getting our hair done. My partner and I ate McDonald’s french fries and cokes and Skittles every day for lunch, baffled by the idea of eating healthy and working out and doing all the things people do to care for themselves. I’d laugh and light a cigarette, we were clueless.

When I got that awful flu that was going around about 6 weeks ago, I quit smoking. It was an accident; I had no intention of quitting. After nearly 20 years of smoking, I liked my cigarettes. But it happened nonetheless. A week later I was approached by the good chiropractor, as if the attempt to free myself of unhealthy toxins broadcast for help. Help showed up right when I needed it.  I am now aligned and relaxed in my body and free of nicotine. I feel clean. And I’m four years sober to boot. THIS is a miracle. I realize now that I maybe didn’t think I deserved this, which is why its a good thing I don’t listen to myself and stay open to God’s Will. My will wants to stay the same, my will does not embrace change. My will is in cahoots with my ego, and the Ego, as they say, is NOT my amigo. (yes, they do say this, at least Rob W. always does)  It would rather have me feel like I don’t deserve it, allow my body to tighten up like a fist and cause enough pain that perhaps I will seek a dangerous alternative, like opiates, my weakness. God’s Will wants a paradigm shift, wants me to be a whole and authentic person, encourages positive change, which is growth, which is good. My job is not to fight it, and to stay present to recognize the opportunities. And to pass what I learn on to others. This is a great example of what the saying means- “When you get sober, you get to have a life beyond your wildest dreams.” I had no idea how awesome it could feel to be, just TO BE.  It wasn’t even part of my consciousness, so I couldn’t dream it. Who knew?

So no matter where you are in your recovery or personal development, trust that beyond what you can conceive of is a miraculous life that is waiting for you.