Be All You Can Be (or, How I Found My Higher Power)

 

Recently at a meeting we read a section in As Bill Sees It about having a spiritual experience (PAGE 182) . In itself it made a great topic, and of course it got me to thinking. Then the speaker shared, and in her share she spoke of an intense sense of wanting approval and to belong before she came to AA and commenced a life of sobriety.

MY HIGHER POWER WAS THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE  

I found these two topics- that of the spiritual experience and also of the wanting of approval connecting in a new way in my mind. I know when I walked into the rooms, one of the very first things I heard was someone talking about alienation. I was hooked in right away, because that exact feeling underwrote every single aspect of my existence. It has always been the driving force of my life, including my drinking and using. I once heard someone say- “My Higher Power was the look on your face,” and that was very, very impactful when I heard that. It was true for me- I wanted, needed to feel as if I belonged, and your approval was paramount to validating that. Or not.


How I, in all my infinite wisdom, handled that when I was a kid was this- I acted aloof, like I didn’t care, like your approval was the LAST thing on earth I needed. God forbid you should know how important it was for me to be liked. I figured that if I courted your disapproval, I would at least be certain of a predictable result, and it would just be the icing on the cake if somehow I got your approval instead. I then sought out other ‘disenfranchised’ who, in some ways, were doing the same thing, and then were able to belong to groups of people who felt they did not belong- punk rock being the first. If I listened to the music, got high with you, pierced my ears 20 times and wore the right clothes, I could belong by not belonging.


I also learned that I could belong, and get your approval, if we went to the bathroom and did drugs together. And more importantly, I cared less when I had a few drinks in me. I also learned that, at any bar with regulars, it wouldn’t take but a few drinks before they all felt like my family. Drugs and alcohol gave me an almost instant rapport, with almost anyone. And I came to understand that if you liked me, I loved you. And if you didn’t like me, f*ck you and the horse you rode in on. And until I knew which one you were, I was suspicious of you.
When I walked into the rooms of AA for the first time, shaking and scared and at the end of my rope, I felt as if I was going to be kicked out. Everyone seemed so healthy and happy, they all looked as if they belonged- and of course, I wasn’t feeling that. I felt like I was poisonous and toxic, and would infect all the happy people with my mere presence. And then I heard someone share about alienation. For me, this was profound- it had been my biggest secret and source of shame, that feeling of not belonging to anything. I couldn’t believe someone would admit that in a room full of people- the idea made me extremely uncomfortable, but intrigued that someone could be so brave as to be that vulnerable in front of others.


Just that one share, however, reached into that dark and lonely place where I cowered for years, like the little man behind the curtain in Wizard of Oz, operating the illusion of confidence and self possession. I think a lot of people would have been surprised to know how I really felt- I swaggered through the world feigning indifference, but it was all a front. That share at that 10:30 am meeting on February 20, 2007 was like the little dog Toto (just to stay with the analogy) who unwittingly pulled back the curtain to reveal the truth of the matter, who got behind the illusion to the real person. I am so glad that guy raised his hand that day.


BE ALL YOU CAN BE
At that moment I was able to surrender to the core of my being, because I instantly felt like I belonged. Not because of the music I listened to or because someone wanted to sleep with me or because we did drugs together or any of the false reasons that made me feel I had gotten your seal of approval. I belonged simply because I walked in the room and sat down. I didn’t need to be anything other than what I was, which, at that time, was desperate. Sheer, unbridled desperation- what a gift for a new comer.


Pretty soon, that feeling of belonging became intrinsic to my being, and has become the foundation of my sobriety, and my spiritual experience. I could not have a profound spiritual experience if the look on your face was my Higher Power- if a smile made me feel validated and a frown meant I either had to hate you or win your approval or drink at you in a storm of disappointment- its an exhausting and constant tap dance in which there is little room for any other Higher Power. When I was able to surrender that, I was able to give myself over to a new way of being, a new Higher Power, and a new life. I could not have abstained from alcohol and drugs without giving this up; I had to be willing to surrender my entire way of life up to that point. I had to stop looking for approval, which meant I stopped doing things that I had done my whole life and had become habitual. Everything in my life had to be examined for authenticity and discarded if it was not in alignment with this new life, this new spiritual experience.


At this point, I don’t have isolated ‘spiritual experiences.’ Its ALL a spiritual experience, all of it. I see it that way, because I choose to see it that way, and so it is. AA truly has given me a life beyond my wildest dreams, as they say. Wild because when I walked in, I had no idea that this level of joy and serenity existed, much less was available for little ol’ me. And its there for everyone. Like the saying goes- “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” I love that, and its true for every single one of us- when we are ready and willing to surrender everything we think we are and remain open to becoming all that we were meant to be.