Relapse and Death- don’t think it can’t happen to you

It is inevitable, in recovery, that you will experience the loss of acquaintances and friends to the disease of alcoholism and addiction. For me, there is nothing more tragic than the waste of a life to a substance. I take that back, there is a lot of tragic and un-necessary suffering and death in the world, too much of it. But the loss of life from this disease strikes close to the heart, and strikes close to home.


I have seen how this affliction starts out, in childhood, the feelings of irritable discontent, not fitting in, feeling like an outsider, an interloper, a fraud. I personally know what it feels like to feel like the rest of the world got a handbook and I didn’t. And I know how it feels when you finally find a solution to the problem, which, in our case, is the open arms of drugs or alcohol.  As addicts, we never learn to find solutions elsewhere- why would we? It works for us, we think. It gives us a sense of security, of control, of euphoria, of belonging. Until we are completely taken hostage and we are no longer choosing to do the substance but have no choice, and are therefore prisoners to our addiction. When we come to recovery, we finally have an alternative. Its not always an easy choice. The statistics, if they are to be trusted, illustrate this. And if you are curious about them, I suggest doing some research, but they are, errrrr, sobering.


There is the image I have in my mind of something I once read of a bird, sitting in the cage although the door is wide open. Even though this bird had sung of wanting freedom every day of its life, when the door was opened, it wouldn’t leave. We think we want out of the prison, but we are too frightened of what is outside the bars. We can’t not trust that it will all turn out okay. We stay imprisoned. We relapse. Or, I should say, a relapse happens which slams the door shut again.

That door opens when we get sober. We have the opportunity for a life beyond our wildest possible dreams, and at nearly 5 years sober, I can attest to it. Its true.  Sobriety is worth giving every single ounce of effort to keep, no matter what. And yet there are those who can’t handle the freedom that is being offered, and the sure fire way to shut the door again is to use. Too often, that person will go back to using the same quantities of the substance that they did before attempting to get sober, and it kills them. I know 5 people in the past year- young, funny, smart, sweet, spirited people, who experienced this very same thing. After a few months clean, one’s tolerance is down, and that return dose to slam the door shut is fatal.


It is controversial to state that we need to inform people that they need to be mindful of this if they relapse. I don’t mind controversy, though. Its controversial to hand out condoms to teenagers, as if we are condoning teen sex. It is controversial to dispense clean needles to addicts so that they don’t spread disease. But these are measures meant to save lives. Many people have relapsed, and sometimes it takes several of them before they finally get it. I wish that the 5 people I mentioned had lived through that last fatal relapse- it might have been their bottom, or their second to last. They might have gone on to lead productive lives. But they foolishly returned to the doses they were familiar with, and they didn’t get that chance. I’d rather see someone live through their mistakes and get another chance to get this thing.


I am one of those people who nearly didn’t survive. When i was 18, I was addicted to pills. My source was compromised,  I had a gnarly detox, and then I moved onto alcohol, pot, lsd, and ecstacy. I went on Grateful Dead tour. And when I got home, I was disoriented and restless, and I wanted my pills. I scored my normal amount, which was a variety of 20 or so downers. And I died, blue, cold, on the floor of my dad’s living room. I woke up in four point restraints in CCU. I was lucky, and yet I went on to use for another 20 years. I also went on to have beautiful children, to acquire nearly 5 years of sobriety to date,  and to become a productive member of society. I almost didn’t, and I am so glad I was given a second chance.

That is why I am hoping people will spread the word. You can’t stop a relapse, but simply raising your hand at a meeting and reminding the room that if one does end up relapsing, be careful, start out slow, remember that your body’s tolerance has changed. It isn’t condoning- if anything its a reminder of what one is risking if one chooses to relapse. At meetings, I like to remind the room- “At this time next year, someone in here will be dead. WIll it be you? This disease is not a joke. Keep your seat.” So its not condoning.  Its looking after your people. Relapse is inevitable for some people, they aren’t ready.  But by speaking up, you might save a life. It isn’t everyone’s destiny to survive their addictions, but in recovery, it is our primary consideration to carry the message. The message is about second chances. Let’s make sure as many people get those second chances as possible.