Memento Mori

A memento mori (Latin 'remember that you will die'^[2]) is an artistic or symbolic reminder of the inevitability of death.<sup>[2]



There are some who would accuse me of having a rather morbid curiosity. That, however, entirely depends on your perspective, and if you possessed mine, you wouldn't think so.

I have always had a natural interest in bugs, and bones, and skulls, and diagrams of human anatomy. I often think humans walk around in this world full of wonder and don't stop to think about what lies underneath the surface, making it all work. Like a car aficionado looking under the hood of an amazing car, marveling at the mechanics of it all. That's what I do- I marvel. At the mechanics. Of it all.

There are obvious overtones of the temporary nature of reality in the objects of my interest. One can't really see skulls and heart x rays without considering that it all ends one day. And that is not at all a bad thing to be reminded of- these things are momento mori; they exist not to scare, but serve to prod one into a wakeful state. (Although for many, said wakeful awareness is a frightening proposition to consider, and that is a very sad truth and the basis for a lot of the suffering in the world.)</sup>

 

 

These things don't freak me out. They remind me to get busy living. They allow me to see that there is much under the surface that we take for granted- and this not only literal but metaphorical.

 

Last week I found a sweet little hummingbird's body lying in the courtyard. I went to bury him, but when I saw ants scouting around where I had dug the hole, I decided not to bury him at all, but to let the ants do what ants do naturally. This week, I went back to see. I guess part of me was also hoping there would be a cool skeleton left, but that wasn't the motivating force behind my not burying him. It was the motivating force of my going back to check. And indeed, there was a perfect little hummingbird skeleton and skull, completely picked clean. The tiny rib cage looked like it was made from strands if spider web silk, with the tiny feathers still on the tips of the wings. I was afraid to touch it, it seemed so delicate. But the skull- wow. For someone like me who is fascinated with skulls, this was a like finding gold.

 

 

The last skull I found was on a beach in Bali. I was walking with my friend on a black sand beach, recounting how the last time I had been on a black sand beach, the ocean had tossed a mongoose skull right in front of me. It was in Hawaii, in the early 90s,  and I had wanted to take some lava home, but there was a superstition about the blood of Pele leaving the island, and I didn't want to piss her off. So I said, out loud, "I want to take something special from this place to keep with me!" And like an answer, the skull drifted on the incoming wave and right in front of my foot.

 

So I am telling my friend about this, as we sauntered up the black sand beaches of Lovina in Bali two years ago, when a very unlikely thing happened. A skull. Drifted in the from the ocean. In front of my feet.

 

I don't know about you, but that experience freaked me out in a good way. It was like having direct contact with The Mystery. But then again, that is what life is, underneath it all, under all the fabrications and illusions, the distorted perceptions and the barrage of images and ideas in the media. Under the surface of it all, the mechanics are so beautifully engineered, so intensely perfect. And to be privy to that is a gift I give myself.

 

Speaking of Memento Mori- here is a website which allows you to build a profile for your loved ones in the event of your death- things you want to say, to be remembered for, instructions for your funeral, or to say sorry, or to confess, or whatever. Kind of cool, just in case you wonder about this sort of thing. Weird Memento Mori website for your greiving loved ones

 

 

 

Ego, the Ultimate Chess Game

From the film Revolver, a really great film about the Ego, and who is really in control. The Ego, "the opponent' as it is called in Kabbalah (This film was by Guy Ritchie, who is very active in Kabbalah), is the true master of most, and the elegance of the whole charade is that we don't even know it. The only way to master the Ego is to understand it as separate, to learn to make the distinction when it lies to you inside your own head and know that you are not those thoughts. You have the ability to not honor what it says. Often, doing what is uncomfortable is the way to free oneself from the slavery of the Ego- it never wants to be uncomfortable.

 

Watch this. If you haven't seen Revolver, I highly recommend it.

 

Ego, the Ultimate Chess Game

 

 

The Ego Introduces Itself to Jake- Jake Versus Ego

This scene is one of the most intense I have ever scene. For anyone who understands that without making this distinction, this scene will have a great impact.

 

 

 

 the end of that scene, too, is brilliant. This character of Ray Liotta,  which epitomizes all our manufactured reality, all that we project as having value that intrinsically doesn't, crumbles in the face of Jake's new found state of grace.

 

 

Balance

Today I got in my car like I have every day for the past three years, wishing my speaker on the left driver door worked, lamenting the lack of balance in my musical experience. I am one of those who listens to their music maybe a tad louder than I should when driving- rendering the imbalance impossible to ignore. So, like many things in life one can't fix, but also can't ignore, one learns to live with it. I learned to live with it.

I wonder how many things we learn to live with, that we become accustomed to in ways that diminish our awareness. I recall talking to someone about learning to live in dysfunction. I likened it to a place I worked at several years ago- it was so incredibly dysfunctional (it was the fashion design business) that, as I cut my teeth and moved up the ladder to become an executive, I learned it in a dysfunctional way. I did really well, and made more money than I ever made since- but after I left that company, I didn't realize how I had acclimated to the dysfunction- I knew how to work inside of that, but in a fully functioning company with certain widely accepted standards of practice- I had to struggle.

Or- I recall once when my 12 string guitar went out of tune- I had no idea how to tune it. So I made up some really great songs while it was in its out-of-tune-but-dissonant-in- a-cool-way state, ones that I can still hear in my head today, but can't for the life of me duplicate. Because when the guitar was tuned, the songs were gone. They relied on its state of dysfunction to exist.

How often have I done that, I wonder? How often have you? Its probably an age old dilemma, but I like to untangle a knot that binds me to any outdated concept, and this is no exception.

Back to today, my car, the speakers. I often adjust the bass in my music because too much bass makes the passenger side speakers shake, being the ones from which the majority of the sound comes out- the left ones work, but just barely. I was scrolling through the adjustment settings when I decided to try one I somehow had not noticed in the three years I have owned my car. One that said 'balance'. Suddenly, there was equal music coming from both sides of my car and I was sitting suddenly in a surround sound vehicle, and I discovered I actually have an amazing sound system in my car. I had no idea!!

And life is like that. The solution to a dilemma is often right in front of our faces but we just somehow don't see it. Attention and awareness requires that we slow down, and sometimes follow a hunch, or try something we never have before. Or stop and realize that we might not be seeing something that is within reach. If I did that with every dilemma, just trusted that the solution was close at hand and I should just pause and pay attention, I have a feeling some parts of my life would go a bit more smoothly.

The Zombie Apocalypse is Already Upon Us

Vulnerability.  There may be no other word that makes modern people cringe more. Somehow, this one word and all that it entails sends us running for the hills, both literally and metaphorically. Is our collective recoil at the idea of being vulnerable a natural state, or is it a flaw of some sort, a defect in our programming?

Or, more to the point,  the flaw IS the natural state of human beings. We are flawed. Its how we deal with the flaws that define our personal evolution.  I am reminded of the movie Cinderella Man,  a true story about a boxer (James Braddock) who was down on his luck. He was off his game, losing fights and wasn’t able to care for his family. Then he broke his right arm and he couldn’t fight at all, and went to work in an ice factory, grabbing hunks of ice with his good left arm and hauling them on to trucks. After a while, he got back in the ring, only to discover that due to his injury and having to use only his left arm, he had become a very strong boxer, much stronger than before as he now had his left hook backing him up, as strong as his right jab ever was. His defect put him in a place where he was able to emerge stronger. He didn’t foresee this- at the time, he was mired in defeat. He was down and he didn’t see any way up and out of it, not knowing that his salvation was being exercised even as he despaired.

So here we are in vulnerability. It keeps us from being able to get into the ring, or if we do get in the ring, it keeps us from being able to be present in a way that would create a fulfilling scenario. What do we do? What most of us do is shrink, hide, run, judge others for our own shortcomings, get angry, blame, become promiscuous instead of connected- and not just romantically- on all levels- we refuse to commit to so much of life that requires commitment. We are rootless. Lacking purpose.  And what don’t we do, for the most part? Show up, take risks, allow ourselves to feel or be exposed, possess a willingness to make mistakes and own them, to care, out loud and in public for all to see…  just to name a few examples.

Brene Brown says her research shows that most people equate vulnerability with weakness. And yet, the truth of the matter is that its actually the very definition of courage. Some things that make us feel vulnerable- saying “I love you” first, asking for a raise, saying no to our kids, saying no period, asking someone on a date, speaking in public….all of these things that make a person feel vulnerable are the most powerful moments in our lives, they are moments that define who we are. These are not moments that call for weakness…these moments call for strength. These call for risks- risking being exposed, rejected, denied, failing, risk of succeeding, risk of losing- “We buy into the myth of vulnerability as being a weakness because by doing so we give ourselves permission not to do it,” says Brene Brown in her conversation with Krista Tippett on the podcast On Being. “Try to remember the last time you did something brave, or saw someone do something brave.” Something is always at risk in any scenario one can consider.

That got me to thinking about heroes. In reality, a hero is someone who risks something big to help someone else. If vulnerability is opening yourself up to life, in all its glory and pain, to the extent that you might just get hurt, or even die- then those we unilaterally consider to be heroes – those who risk their lives to save others- are practicing the penultimate vulnerability. Having said that, any time we show up in our daily lives, stripped down and available to what life brings us, willing to be exposed, to fail, to be wrong, to be right, to win, to be real, to be open to whatever may come instead of avoiding the discomfort- at those times, we are also heroes. Life is either a Hero’s Journey, or its not. I find those people who are asking the hard questions and getting in the ring again and again after being beaten badly are capable of the most intense happiness. Its as if the struggles and the quest for understanding carve a deep reservoir into a person, and the deeper the reservoir, the more capacity for joy there is. In an emotionally promiscuous life, where no commitments are made and vulnerability is avoided, a person can only scratch the surface, at best. There is no capacity for deep and abiding joy, only fleeting distractions and drudgery. And there are plenty of people like that- too many, more and more all the time.



Like I saw on Project Appleseed Rifleman Training‘s podcast last night- the zombie apocalypse is already happening. Just peruse facebook for an hour!  The zombies avoid commitment, vulnerability, pain, growth, depth, true connection. They can’t focus, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. And guess what? They want you to be a zombie, too. Anyone who is fighting the good fight reminds them that their existence is a shallow, half hearted one. And its easier to bring a person down a peg than to bring them up a peg, so we must always be wary of the dreamers who want to lure the wakers back to sleep.

Waking up to your true self is never easy, and it isn’t supposed to be. Like the baby chick fighting to get out of its eggshell- the struggle for the chick is critical for its survival. It was discovered that when someone helped break the chick out, the baby soon died, not having developed the muscle strength it needed by the very act of breaking out of its shell. Vulnerability is the place of courage that builds the muscles of a wholehearted human being. Do it. You might get hurt, you might look dumb, you might get rejected, you could fail- but then again, you might not. That can’t be why you do the thing, or why you don’t do it- you do the act, whatever it is, because it must be done. Life is meant to be lived fully, wide open, out loud, and most of all, unapologetically.

SIGNS

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I write often about the element of play, and the importance of keeping the spirit of rambunctiousness as an integral part of recovery.

I continue to write about it primarily because it remains so pivotal, and yet easily lost in the seriousness of sobriety. And sobriety aside, life is challenging no matter what else you might have going on.

Like any challenge, the experience one has is based on the spirit of the the endeavor. It’s fairly textbook, and we all know this: You can look at a mountain and say, “I have to climb that?” Or you can look at the mountain and say, “I get to climb that!” We all know this; most people in recovery will espouse this, but when it comes to living, breathing, being an example of this doctrine, we all find life grabbing us by the short and curlies at times. We get emotionally hijacked. We feel victimized by circumstances beyond our control. And that whole mantra and way of being we all aspire to goes directly out the window.

It happens. We are human, after all; what we do is err. But we get to learn from our erring ways, and hopefully we do. Recently I found myself clenching my emotional fists, for weeks, I was white knuckling it. My mind was curled into a tight ball and very little light was getting in. One gets used to this posture, and, like our Moms used to tell us when we crossed our eyes and made faces, “If you aren’t careful, your face will freeze and stay like that!” Sometimes, so does that attitude.

Thankfully we have the option of getting out of it before we become frozen and narrow minded, but we still need to be mindful. We become brittle and frozen when we do not exercise our emotional flexibility. Playfulness is exactly the thing that keeps us supple and vibrant.

As I said, I had a couple of weeks recently where my life circumstances had changed, and my schedule became more hectic, including the addition of two hours of driving to my already busy day. I had discovered I owed the IRS a huge amount of money. I had a list of grievances. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was … crunchy. And then I saw a sign. Literally.

I was driving to work after dropping my daughter off at school, still getting used to the new routine, when I whipped by one of the many construction signs that one can’t miss, as construction in Los Angeles is happening everywhere all the time, and always on the route you most want to go. It’s absurd, really.

This sign, however, said, “World Peace.” Then it said, “Make people laugh.” Then it switched to, “One smile at a time.” Finally it read, “Also, construction.”

I couldn’t really believe it the first time I saw it. I was driving and there was no one to turn to and say, “Hey! Did you see that?” But even so, it had an immediate effect. My outlook changed. It became lighter, because someone had taken the spirit of playfulness to another level, and because I needed a sign and I got one. I was infected by it.
All it took was a little boost, and I got my bounce back. I don’t ever want to go flat, lose my humor, and value victimhood over freedom. All bondage is of our own creation. It’s just how we see it.

I love that someone changed the sign to read something fun and thoughtful. Its the spirit of the person who did that which infected me more than the sign itself — that someone found it important enough to stop and play with all the people who would drive by that sign and see it — honoring that impulse, as it were- is what really inspires me.

How liberating is that? To step outside of the demands of life and just goof around with others? How much fun must that have been for that person?

And lest I forget, my Higher Power will make sure to remind me, and I love that. I count on it, and I am never let down.

Karl Jung- On Addiction

Stand Up, Speak Out!: Marianne Williamson at TEDxTraverseCity